For Leah!

1: post rules
2: 11 fun facts about you
3: answer questions
4: my questions
5: tag 11

Fun facts:
1. I wear one earring it's my favorite a little stud in that pointy part of your ear that's connected to your face

2: I like it when I paint my nails

3: I'm a free spirit but I want stability

4: I only look for 5 things when it comes to men, if those aren't there I won't commit

5: if I wasn't worried about having kids just like me I would probably have full sleeves and my clavicle tattooed

6: I like weird things like skeletons in decorating

7: I like dirty jokes and scandalous humor

8: I hate chit chat I want the realness

9: I am really critical of myself but very accepting of others

10: I don't get ever really get angry, annoyed or irritated yes but never angry

11: I hate defining relationships and putting titles on things. With titles come expectations. Expectations negate gratitude and create the perfect path to a life full of let downs

Questions:
I don't know why I blog, I just do. And it's not often that I do.

Something that comes easy to me that might not to others is loving people. I have just always been able to see someone as they are and love them for their good points, and feel kindness towards them.

My biggest regret is two fold: I wish I learned how to speak up for myself sooner, and I wish I didn't let my pride and my inability to always communicate what I'm feeling let good things walk out of my life or never really even enter it because then I just wonder what if

Guilty purchase: the boots I got for my birthday. I don't feel bad 1: because it was a birthday gift 2: because I asked for help paying toward a plane ticket to go see my boyfriend at the time who had just moved to Arizona 3: we broke up like a week before my birthday my mom said what about those frye boots you always look at and love instead? I said okay and while they were the most expensive thing besides cars and school I don't feel one ounce guilty

If I could live anywhere it would be closer to the beach preferably in a yurt or a cute little old timey house

Feelings towards cats: I like them. I wish they would snuggle more but that depends on the cat

Favorite place in the world is the beach. It brings me back to center.

I think societies biggest problem is that people aren't grateful. This leads to selfishness, entitlement, I want it now, and not willing to work for it attitudes. It disgusts me how self centered and unkind people are.

Biggest pet peeve: when you do something nice for someone and before saying thank you they just say you didn't need to do that. It drives me crazy I know I didn't need to, I wanted to so be appreciative.

The demographic that pisses me off the most I have no idea because things people do not the people themselves bug me. I'll have to get back to you on this

The first thing I think when I wake up is where is my clock, that way I either hit the snooze or figure out what time of night it is and if it's too late/ too early to do anything

I'm not going to do the last two today

Sinner

Today I get to church. It's that comfortably warm temperature that makes you sleepy. The fan is going and it's real loud and soothing. This is going to be a tough day to focus.

Carla Bruni-Sarlozy

New motto for the year: "I am a femme fatale, my dear." I do not believe that a femme fatale is a smoldering sexpot whose legs open more frequently than her books. That is the mans version of a femme fatale. The one molded from years of lust appropriating its ideas and travelling with them through out time, imposing them on all it has come in contact with. When i hear the words femme fatale i think of a force to be reckoned with. A woman who uses her brains and her charms and her skills to get her ahead in life, not her body. A woman whose beauty is defined and illuminated by its kindness. Whose femininity is not defined by the curve of her waist, the pout of her lips, or the length of her hair. But defined by the day to day interactions she has with the world and humanity. This is the kind of woman who picks up and soldiers on when life falls apart. The kind of women who says bring it life I can take what you give me and use it for the good of myself and for the benefit of others. A femme Fatale is not a quitter or a cynical being. She is hopeful and has an alluring vitality in her laugh, and adventure coursing through her eyes. She takes life and does what she wants with it to be happy. She is productive and driven in her own musings. She is smart, quick, and observant. She is confident. She is the kind of force that draws you in, compels you to be your best. She is a hurricane of tenderness and when her love rains it pours. Her kindness is not weakness, nor is it fallacy. She stands tall in her convictions even if it goes against the main stream. She communicates without cutting, burning, or spitting gossips venom into the world. She is everything uniquely woman, she celebrates what it is to be a woman. She is a woman who is kind, one who is strong. one who lifts others to their rightful status. A person who has made the world better, and therefore cannot be stopped because she is an unusual anomaly. This is what i think of when i hear Femme Fatale, and this is the kind of woman i can only work to be and some day hope to become. I have a lot of work to do.

mumford and sons moments:

i have had several this past few weeks. today i totally remembered that sometimes i am a girl because i started crying for no reason listening to them. but here is one of the better ones of the past few weeks:

{background i had a break up about 2 years ago that really was earth shattering for me. it was that break up that i vowed to never have another one like that again. so far so good. but mumford and sons is the album i listened to for months straight in the process of recovering from this. as of recently we have started talking and hanging out again and it is nice to have my friend back. i am also a very affectionate person and will snuggle with anyone boy or girl. that being said here is your story}

the other day ________ and i were snuggling and lounging about. he was scratching my arm and we were discussing music. he brought up mumford and sons i told him if he didn't have that album he needed to download it pronto. so he did. we sat there listening to it and white blank page came on. sometimes life is ironic and right now was one of those times. i was listening to the music that kept me together with the person who helped me to fall apart. it was weird and lovely. these moments give me hope. that even though pain and heartbreak happen, it isn't in vain. you can take a deep breathe; not to keep from crying, but to give relief its moment in the sun. You can find in that breathe, the intimacy of love lost and a friendship re defined. Comfort from the fact that you came out of it alive, stronger, kinder, and a better person. its those moments we pray for: the ones that are the best kind of peace. when in fact you can share bits of your heart, and soul, and a view into a rough place in life, with out remorse, sadness, or anger. you've not kept and replaced those walls you once had, but even with out them you are still okay. its a rare and lovely thing these little bits of peace we find along the way.

tonight tonight

i have always found it odd that I go to public places to regain my sanity and composure. i de-stress at parks and beaches, and mostly bookstores. tonight was no exception. after work i ventured out into the crisp (54 degree) fall evening. fall, especially October makes me feel invigorated. I come alive in the fall. good things happen in fall. i don't know if its the bright blue sky's and the frost-kissed air, or the way it smells when the rains come, or the fact i feel adventurous because my favorite holiday is just around the river bend, but whatever it is lights something deeply ingrained in my soul. the brisk air and the weight of my coat are reassuring.

my life has been nothing but change recently. within a month i lost my boyfriend, a friend, and my job at the salon. i hit that place where there is no where to go but up. we all know that place where feelings of being lost and distracted are married with the greatness and terror of knowing you can really do whatever right now because nothing is tying you down. its exciting and overwhelming to the point of tears all in the same moment. the only thing constant for me is that i don't really know how i am feeling or what is going to happen.

I anticipate being on the brink and when that tipping point will come. as i walked into Barnes and noble, the smell of musty papers stained with ink filled my nose. I melted entirely. I fondly found myself back in the arms of my long time love: this ladies and gentlemen is the affair of a lifetime. With out further adieu may i introduce you to a good book, a soft seat, a warm drink, and late nights in the bookstore. this relationship has outlasted everyone but family. i can honestly say that this is my safe zone or my happy place. (side note i will have to close my window tonight because the owl is back :) i have missed that creature) and i do not see this liaison ending anytime in the near future. books have always been my refuge. when i become a gypsy and wander through life, this is my notre damn, my sanctuary.

as i sat, and read, and sipped, enveloped in warm liquids and words i felt alive and whole. I felt at peace. i left the store upon its closing with the feeling that October is going to be a good month. I am on the edge of who knows what, but for the first time in a long time i feel like things are coming together and everything will be alright.

October is going to rock, per usual.

random

today i realized that whenever i feel like my life is out of control i organize my closet and my armoir. I feel better when my clothes are organized. I think it fulfills my sense of control.

i also started a pintrest. I don't totally get it or get how to do it but i like it.

i am trying to get super clean and organized. Everything in life is crazy right now and i feel like if i do that as well as scripture study and some other things i will feel more at ease.

‎"We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her, and a man who compliments her .... a man who spends money on her, and a man who invests in her .... a man who views her as property, and a man who views her properly ..... a man who lusts after her, and a man who loves her ..... a man who believes he is God's gift to women, and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man. "

My friends mom put this up on the face book and i really love it. I think this is just as important for younger girls to know as older ones. I think sometimes we get so caught up in the fact that a boy is actually giving us attention that we forget about these things, or push them to the side. or we don't want to see our relationship as what it actually is. and then we wonder why it doesn't work out. Maybe sometimes we just look at the wrong things or we have just convinced ourselves that we can't find that kind of love. i am going to have to remember this, also if i ever have daughters i will have to teach them this somehow. if i have sons i will have to teach them how to be the right kind of man. and its so important that i find someone who is this kind of man because how will my kids ever learn if they don't see it. i have a lot of thoughts in my head tonight.